“Help me save this marriage!" this goes all too often unheeded as people's marriage spirals out of control inevitably towards divorce. What is it about a marriage that once was so strong and is now at a 50 percent divorce rate that is so hard to manage and keep going? Recent statistics show that most marriages do not fall apart due to a lack of love but instead have more to do with dissatisfaction with other parts of the relationship while love stays the same. However, it also shows couples with good relationships feel that their love increases as the relationship and marriage work better and better. With love still such a major factor in most problematic relationships and this being so misunderstood, it is easy to see how people make major blunders when trying to patch up their marriage. So what is it that continues to let those trying to save their relationships down all the time and adds to the sad divorce statistics? The problem is usually a mix of miscommunication and ego.
Miscommunication
Couples arguing and fighting say some very silly things sometimes and even worse choose to hear only the things they want to hear creating a skewed image of their marriage that impedes healing and recovery. Frequently this is caused by a raised level of hostility within any conversation, which hampers all efforts of logic and problem solving skills. There is also a habit to use emotional blackmail by probing their partner’s weak points with a verbal attack to produce a result or out of a sense of revenge. Using children, past indiscretions or even by simply saying "I love you" which may be meant in all honesty but when emotions are so raw can feel like an attack against a sore point. To reduce miscommunication you must stop the arguments and never attack your partner looking to score points or looking to change their mind. Continually doing this simply builds a wall between you and your spouse that when it becomes too high, cannot be breached, and divorce becomes a sure thing. Actions speak louder than words also so do not waste your breath on last minute platitudes as they will sound hollow even if they are sincere. Do what you need to and show you are willing to fix things without making noises about it and you will find your partner will also start doing the same.
Ego
This is tied in to miscommunication somewhat but is more of a state of mind thing that we must learn to get out of. Couples who are too stubborn and insist they must be right sabotage their own marriages with their need to win.
This is a poison that can destroy marriages, friendships and even business relationships. Ego has its place in some parts of life but not in something as close and intimate as a relationship where is stifles attempts to bridge the gap that has been created. The main problem is you want to WIN to save you ego they other person will not want to LOSE; the problem of the immovable object vs the unstoppable force, it goes nowhere. The more you argue and try to be right the more hostility is built between you, and the more hostility there is the harder it is to forgive and find resolutions. The
answer is simple in theory but harder to employ for some, in essence stop trying to win!. Stop defending yourself, agree with them even if you are sure they are wrong. It hurts to lose for anyone but before you can find a resolution you MUST lower the hostility to a level you can actually talk without egos and winning being a factor. In fact most of the time if you leave yourself vulnerable and do not put up your defenses your partner will be very reluctant to keep attack as they still love you and there is no victory in shooting one who is unarmed. Very often they will start defending you even which is an amazing turn around all thanks to the abandoning of your own ego. This means even if they are not trying to fix things if you take the first step and expose yourself the problems start resolving themselves!
So if you want to save this marriage put aside your ego and take a hit or two so that communication lines can open up without being used as weapons or being misunderstood.
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Source: Content provided and maintained by the TwoOfUs.org and the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center