By Herb Martin, Ph.D.
NFLPE Consultant
Behind just about every athlete is a loved one, a family, and perhaps, a close core of friends. These are individuals that have come to your games for as long as you can remember and have played a pivotal role in your growth and development, and may be even the reason why you made it as far as you have.
These are also the folks who, in many ways, are a part of you, and whether you are consciously aware of it or not, you carry their values, their dreams, aspirations, challenges, and desire for significance with you every game. Just think of the powerful connection they must feel to you and the game when they see you play.
Thus, it is not uncommon to hear a loved one or family member refer to “we are going to do this…or we’re going to do that, etc.” But, what if you don’t want to do this or that? What happens when the “we” becomes too much, when the decisions you make don’t feel like your own, or in other words, you lose the me in we? And, to make matters worse, if you challenge those ideas, someone says, “You have changed.” Therefore, it would not be uncommon for you to feel confused, frustrated, resentful, angry, or possibly betrayed by those same people who helped you to get where you are.
So, the million dollar question is, “What do you do about it?” Let’s explore some options:
- I can withdraw from them and forget about it (not for long, as the game requires focus and concentration).
- I can take my frustration out on my opponents (but, how do I manage my anger all week, e.g., practice with others and home, etc.).
- I can drink it off (a temporary fix with a number of potential drawbacks, including health, performance, relationships, and maybe the organization.
- I can personally acknowledge that when I decided to seriously pursue sport, my life changed and so did the lives of those most close to me. So, while it is important to create boundaries at times, it is the how, when, and if I do, that will determine the quality of our lives together now and beyond the game.
Additional ways to manage family and friends
- Trust your gut. When it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Talk to someone who can give you objective advice, e.g., school counselor, coach, pastor, teammate, on how to handle these types of situations.
- Don’t wait to address your gut feelings.
- Try to educate your loved ones about what you have to deal with every day, e.g., walk them through your day in detail. They really want to be a part of your experience. Talk together about what you think and how you feel about this.
- Set boundaries – know when enough is enough and articulate this (you may need assistance here).
- Have a set game plan with regards to how you will incorporate different people in your life and the roles they will play to help you.
- Appoint someone to give bad news, when and if necessary, (good news based on what is real for you).
- Ask yourself, “Where do I want to be?” one year, three years, five years from now, and does my decision right now affect my future.
So, whether you are a student-athlete, pro, or a retired player, it is important to realize that family and friend dynamics change as you do throughout your progression in sport. Therefore, not only being aware of these changes is important, but proactively discussing these issues when they come up will keep you on track.