By Rachel Terrill

Engagement Insider

When women find out that I study love, they inevitably tell me a story about someone in their lives who is either single or in a bad relationship. They want to know what they can tell them to help them along their path to love. The truth is, love is not a science. I don’t have a special equation to give them that will guarantee a true love that will last forever.

Media has led us to believe that there are a couple of paths to finding our true love: We can act helpless and wait to be rescued or we can kiss enough frogs until one of them turns into a prince. That last one is particularly dangerous because when you kiss frogs, you date frogs… and when you date frogs, you ultimately marry a frog. Then you have to divorce a frog or live with his ugly warts forever, and divorces are uglier than the frog you kissed in the first place.

The truth is, the media lies. Most of us are sent out into the world with hearts full of dreams but no helpful tools to help us make those dreams of love a reality. So while I don’t have the magical equation, I have four easy steps that you can pass on single friends that might them find someone with whom they can spend the rest of they life loving.

STEP 1: CREATE YOUR “MUST HAVE” AND “CAN’T STAND” LISTS

Before you go out into the dating world, in addition to identifying what you love, it’s important to identify some deal breakers. This list will help you figure out WHO you want your future husband or wife to be… or at least what qualities you would like for him or her to have.

For this step, you should limit your must have and can’t stand lists to ten items each and you should be specific. For example, don’t just say that you would like for your partner to be athletic.  It’s too broad and leaves wiggle room later on when you are trying to convince yourself that the guy you’re dating is athletic because he bowls once in a while. If you want a bowler, then say that you want a bowler. But if you’d like someone who runs marathons or someone who works out daily at the gym, say that instead.

When you’re done with that list, create your “Can’t Stand” List. Again, you are limited to just ten items.

After creating these lists, it should be a bit easier for you to picture what your ideal spouse may be like. The lists should also make dating easier, because when you meet someone who has something that is on your can’t stand list or who is missing something from your must have list, you can walk away immediately. You should not keep dating them in hopes that it will change. That is a recipe for many years of unhappiness. Just walk away. Do not stay out of the fear of being alone. It may not seem like it at first, but alone is a much happier place to be than stuck in a relationship with someone who has one of your fundamental red flags.

STEP 2: SELF IMPROVEMENT

Now that you have a clearer vision of who you are looking for, take a moment to think about what type of person your ideal spouse might be looking for. What do you think they might find attractive?  For example, if you are looking for someone who is athletic and loves to work out at the gym, then might that person be attracted to someone who also enjoys going to the gym? Or if you are looking for someone who is honest, might they like someone who is honest too? Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Who do you want them to see when they look at you?

Make a list of the top three qualities that you think that your dream spouse might look for in their spouse.

Review that list and compare the list to who you are and how you are currently living your life. What do you need to do to become that person? Pick at least one area to work on so that you can become the person who you want them to want.

STEP 3: ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER

Everything is easier if we have someone in our lives to help hold us accountable. After you’ve created these four lists, share a copy of them with a trusted (same-sex) friend. Explain your lists to them and ask them to hold you accountable in sticking to the lists when you find someone new.

STEP 4: BE THERE

The final step is simple. Put yourself in the types of places that your ideal person might be. If you don’t want a future spouse who enjoys hanging out in bars or clubs, then bars and clubs are not where you should spend your time.

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So, there it is — four easy steps to finding the love of your life. Living happily ever after isn’t simple even with the most compatible partner, but it sure is a lot easier than trying to make it happen when you’re spending your time with someone who isn’t right for you.