By Hardy Nickerson
16-year NFL Veteran
As a former college and NFL player, nothing has brought me more joy than to see my own son, Hardy Jr., realizing his dream of playing football at the collegiate level. He has played the game since he was seven years old and now, at 19, is playing linebacker for my alma mater, Cal. Many people ask me what I’ve experienced, as a parent, dealing with my son’s transition from high school to college, and how I maintain a relationship with him from afar. There are several things I’d like to share.
First, there are huge differences between parenting a student-athlete in high school and parenting one at the college level. Once your son moves on to college to play a sport, so many things change. While almost all high school sports require the continual assistance from parents, such as helping with transportation, meals, keeping uniforms and equipment clean, and other routine tasks, once they go to college, all of that is handled on the college’s end. For example, you no longer take your son to the doctor to check out an injury – that is handled by the team doctor and staff. There is no need for you to order any pads or shoes or anything else like you used to – the equipment manager for the team has that covered. Food? Football programs have their own nutritionists managing meals and providing specific foods for your son, so that’s not your responsibility any more either. So, in a nutshell, parents have less control once their child moves on to the college level. Parents no longer are involved in the day-to-day operations of their sons’ lives and sport.
Second, your son will be completely swamped with his new role as a collegiate student-athlete. College schedules for athletes are pretty tedious. They have tough practice schedules and strength and conditioning programs to follow. They are often on the road once the season starts, and they have to balance all of that with attending their classes, seeing professors and tutors, and so much more. Sometimes there is no time to check in with dad. Your son will also be bonding with new authority figures and new people in general. Coaches, assistants, trainers, professors, tutors, and, of course, their teammates, who have really become a new family for them. Once in college, they have a whole new world to explore, not unlike all other new college students. All of these new people and new experiences help shape their college experience and, as a result, it is almost impossible to keep things the way they used to be. This is the “new normal.”
Finally, if a parent can understand these vast differences between the high school football experience and life as a college player, they can still stay connected to their sons without being overbearing or feeling left out. As for my son, he is actually not too far away geographically, but he enjoys the freedom of being his own man and calling on me when he needs me. Most of the time, he just goes about doing his own thing and checks in when he can. His demanding schedule, both academic and athletic, means that I don’t always hear from him throughout the day like I used to, but that’s OK. He makes his own decisions and, if that means that he doesn’t have time to talk on the phone because he has a paper to write, I understand. If he’s tired after a long day and only has time to text “Hey, tired, talk tomorrow,” that’s OK too. No guilt tripping. It’s important to be conscientious of your son’s need for space. They also need “permission” to be independent and to go out and figure things out for themselves, even if it means making mistakes. No pressure. I respect the fact that he has moved on to a higher level and is learning how to navigate many of the things he simply could not do alone as a minor. Now he’s grown up and must face a lot of things on his own.
But I can still be a supportive parent. Sometimes that means just bringing an ear to hear. My son and I still find time to connect in important ways. We try to talk every night, although some days it’s just not possible. When we do, our conversations are not so much about football as they are about how his studies are going or what grade he received on his last exam. We talk about how he’s feeling, how his roommate is doing, what new pizza spot he discovered. The key is making time to stay connected. You can always be supportive from behind the scenes too. I always let my son know that we are praying for him and that if he needs prayer, he can always call or text. I try to send words of encouragement when I can, and my wife often sends him positive text messages too. Sometimes just “I Love You Man” on your phone is support enough. I am still my son’s biggest fan, but I try not to get in the way of his becoming who he is destined to be.
Proud dad rooting from the sidelines,
Hardy Nickerson