By Pamela D. Brown, Ph.D., CSP
Relationships take work, especially over time. In the NFL, relationships can be especially challenging because of the stress both the player and his partner have to deal with, not always knowing where or if they will have a job. Each partner brings a different set of experiences and expectations to the relationship. Each of us is sensitive in slightly different ways. What one can easily brush off, the other cannot. Below are some tips which are guaranteed to improve the quality of your relationship.
1. Forgive and let go. This is probably the most important piece of advice for any lasting relationship. Don’t be afraid to say that you are sorry, even if you feel you were right. What you are apologizing for is the state of hurt, not necessarily the thing that caused the feeling of hurt. And sometimes, it may just be worth saying you’re sorry for what you did even if you feel and know it was right. Forgiveness goes a long way.
2. Make frequent deposits in your relationship bank. Do those small things you used to do in the beginning of your relationship that let your partner know that you cared. You want something to withdraw against when you do those things that will get on our partner’s nerves.
3. Most issues don’t get resolved completely, to both partners’ satisfaction. Instead, issues get accepted or some compromise is made. That being said, it often helps to focus on the big picture and ask yourself some questions before you even decide whether you want to tackle a particular issue.
- Is this issue worth losing your relationship over? If the answer is no, then you can already begin by being willing to compromise some.
4. Good communication is key. So, now that you have established that there is an issue you would like to address with your partner and you are also okay with a compromise, here is how you might want to discuss the issue.
- Ask yourself, “How would I want this issue brought up with me? “
- How is my partner going to take it when I bring it up? -because what’s okay with you may not be with your partner.
- Think about the point you want to get across before you start your conversation.
- Remember, just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you should be able to talk about whatever you want, whenever, or any kind of way. Not if you want to be in a happy relationship.
5. Don’t always expect your partner to say that s/he is wrong. It doesn’t mean that they don’t know it. Some of us are very proud and stubborn and it may not be worth shaming us into admitting we are wrong.
6. Tell your partner how to deal with you when you’re upset. Let them know the warning signs. Let them know what soothes you. What should they say even when you deny that you’re upset. Do you need space, time, a back rub, talking but not problem solving, or anything else?
7. Before you get offended by something your partner said or did, think about the best reason you would have done or said the same thing. For the most part, your partner is not out to get you. They don’t want you to be angry with them. Consider how you could have misunderstood their actions. Realize that in most cases it is about the meaning and intention you believe they had when they did whatever. Change your thoughts about their intentions and the situation probably won’t bother you so much.
8. Don’t disrespect your partner. It’s easy when things get heated to use a tone that is condescending or contemptuous, to tell your partner that s/he always or never does something, to name call or share how your family agrees with you. None of these are going to be successful strategies for getting your partner to listen to you. And these kind of statements breed bitterness, which is not good for your relationship.
9. Know when to take a time out from arguing. If your argument is not being listened to, if you or your partner is just getting angrier, or if the argument between you is escalating, ask for a time-out. Suggest that you continue the conversation later. And pick a good time to continue so that your partner does not think that you are using time-out as a way of avoiding the conversation completely.
10. Finally, if the above tips aren’t helping enough, seek help from a couples’ therapist. You work with a coach to improve your conditioning and game play, your relationship deserves the same because hopefully it will last much longer than your career.